Top 5 from the future…
I used to clutter up this space at the end of every year with a smart-allecky list of the top records of the year, followed by feeble attempts to find a witty way to say “I have no idea who any of these artists are, but they all suck. Now get off my lawn ya darned kids before I fill yer britches with rock salt.” I gave that up a couple of years ago, mainly because it was depressing me to feel so disconnected from youth culture and so obviously middle-aged and bitter about it.
Don’t get me wrong. Being middle-aged and bitter can be very entertaining. But I think I’d sort of shot my wad on that schtick. Personally, I like [tag]Patton Oswalt[/tag]’s approach – write a list of the best things you think are coming in the new year. Here’s his list of music we can all look forward to in 2009:
ALBUMS
I Also Fingered a Girl in a Kiddie Pool of Wesson Oil
[tag]Katy Perry[/tag]
In another collection of songs written for her by the editors of MAXIM Magazine, Katy Perry tries to stretch five minutes of titillation into a careers-worth of relevancy.Night Grooves
[tag]Fugazi[/tag]
[tag]Ian McKaye[/tag] shocked his fans with this catchy, can’t-stay-in-your-seat collection of dance tunes. Includes “Shimming the Beat”, “Dew-It Witchu” and “Positive Power Slide”Gimme Dat
2-Fly
The Wyoming rap corridor finally found its Dr. Dre.Go Get ‘Em, President Smokey
[tag]Toby Keith[/tag]
Toby’s misguided tribute to our new incoming president effectively ended his career, but what a way to go!A Very Metal Arbor Day
[tag]Mastodon[/tag], [tag]Anthrax[/tag] and 13 other bands remind everyone to plant a tree and worship Satan.
Nice.
Patton, you’re an evil man. Please come over to my house for dinner. I’ll make steak.
I particularly like his skewering of Katy Perry. Her hit from last year had all the depth of a latrine dug by a parapalegic [tag]Boy Scout[/tag]. The funny thing is there was a feature story on the wires last week about how *shock* Katy Perry’s new video featured her making out with a guy. When she moves to [tag]Tijuana[/tag] after she’s blown her royalties on hot pants and eyeliner she’ll make a new video about kissing an [tag]equus asinus[/tag].
Speaking of Jackasses – if only Toby Keith’s demise in the public eye could be so poetic and appropriate.
Seriously Patton. Call me. Steak’s on me.