Top 5 from the future…

I used to clutter up this space at the end of every year with a smart-allecky list of the top records of the year, followed by feeble attempts to find a witty way to say “I have no idea who any of these artists are, but they all suck.  Now get off my lawn ya darned kids before I fill yer britches with rock salt.”  I gave that up a couple of years ago, mainly because it was depressing me to feel so disconnected from youth culture and so obviously middle-aged and bitter about it.

Don’t get me wrong.  Being middle-aged and bitter can be very entertaining.  But I think I’d sort of shot my wad on that schtick.  Personally, I like [tag]Patton Oswalt[/tag]’s approach – write a list of the best things you think are coming in the new year.  Here’s his list of music we can all look forward to in 2009:


I Also Fingered a Girl in a Kiddie Pool of Wesson Oil
[tag]Katy Perry[/tag]
In another collection of songs written for her by the editors of MAXIM Magazine, Katy Perry tries to stretch five minutes of titillation into a careers-worth of relevancy.

Night Grooves
[tag]Ian McKaye[/tag] shocked his fans with this catchy, can’t-stay-in-your-seat collection of dance tunes.   Includes “Shimming the Beat”, “Dew-It Witchu” and “Positive Power Slide”

Gimme Dat
The Wyoming rap corridor finally found its Dr. Dre.

Go Get ‘Em, President Smokey
[tag]Toby Keith[/tag]
Toby’s misguided tribute to our new incoming president effectively ended his career, but what a way to go!

A Very Metal Arbor Day
[tag]Mastodon[/tag], [tag]Anthrax[/tag] and 13 other bands remind everyone to plant a tree and worship Satan.


Patton, you’re an evil man.  Please come over to my house for dinner.  I’ll make steak.

I particularly like his skewering of Katy Perry.   Her hit from last year had all the depth of a latrine dug by a parapalegic [tag]Boy Scout[/tag].  The funny thing is there was a feature story on the wires last week about how *shock* Katy Perry’s new video featured her making out with a guy.  When she moves to [tag]Tijuana[/tag] after she’s blown her royalties on hot pants and eyeliner she’ll make a new video about kissing an [tag]equus asinus[/tag].

Speaking of Jackasses – if only Toby Keith’s demise in the public eye could be so poetic and appropriate.

Seriously Patton.  Call me.  Steak’s on me.

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