The Weak In Rock

Wally Backman is a man after my heart.  This is what a fan expects to see when the manager of his local team gets ejected from a game.

Thanks to Deadspin for the link.

Technorati Tags: Wally Backman

Wow, they’re blooming this week.

First let’s address something that ought to seem obvious - becoming a professional competitive eater probably isn’t good for your health. Takeru Kobayashi is apparently retiring from professional eating competition because he’s messed up his jaw muscles over the years by cramming 50+ hot dogs into his mouth in each competition.

See, I think it might have occurred to me that snarfing down hundreds of hot dogs a year might have some unpleasant long-term health impact. Probably would have led me to reconsider that particular career path.

Then we have Chris Allgier, a prison inmate who killed a prison guard while attempting to escape. Now I get not wanting to be in prison, and I even get resorting to desperate measures to get out, but let’s take a look at this guy:

Dood, if you’ve got tattoos all over your head and face, including a swastika right in the middle or your forehead, how the heck do you think you’re going to evade a police manhunt? It’s not like you can blend into the crowd and disappear. They’re not going to put some nondescript photo or artist’s rendering of your face on the news that no one can tell from any of a billion other guys your age and ethnic background. You’ve got a friggin’ swastika in the middle of your damn fool forehead. You’re going to get caught. Oh, and by the way, you shot a prison guard and killed him. If you thought prison was bad before…

Last but not least, let’s hear it for the biggest asshole and nitwit to ever serve as Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney. Dick, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. There can be no doubt whatever to your place in history now. You are the most arrogant, stupid and dangerous man to ever be a heartbeat from the Presidency - and this is saying a lot, since your predecessors include Dan Quayle, Richard Nixon and Andrew Johnson, three of the biggest shitheads in the history of American politics.

How have you earned such a dubious honor, Dick? Through your pronouncement late last week that your office is not subject to a Presidential order requiring all members of the Executive Branch of our government reveal to the National Archives how many documents they are classifying each year. Your rationale - your office is not actually a part of the Executive Branch.

Ok, my dear readers, I’ll let those of you who paid attention in your high school civics classes take a deep breath and ponder this one. The Vice President claims that his office is not a part of the Executive Branch of the US Government. Neat. So, we must assume that Cheney believes he is his own special branch of the government, since he obviously cannot conclude that he is part of the Judiciary and his contempt for the Legislative Branch is well known, so he can’t mean that his office resides therein. This jackass apparently doesn’t think he even answers to the President. If I were George W. Bush I’d kick him in the nads.

Technorati Tags: Takeru Kobayashi, Chris Allgier, Dick Cheney, Dan Quayle, Richard Nixon, Andrew Johnson

So, Bobby Cox, the manager of the Atlanta Braves, is 1 ejection away from holding MLB’s all-time record for most career ejections at 131.  He’s currently tied with John McGraw.

I know some baseball fans who don’t like to see a manager get thrown out of a game.  They think it’s stupid and pointless and shows a lack of emotional control.  To them I say pish and tosh.  Managers get thrown out chiefly to either protect a player from being ejected or to defend the honor of a player.  While it actually serves no real purpose - getting pitched from a game - it sends a message to the players that you care.  And let’s face it, umpires are often just dead wrong and need to be called out on their crap.

The only complaint I ever have with a manager getting tossed from a game is if he goes quietly.  This is why I love Lou Pinella.  Sweet Lou never goes quietly.  He’s renowned for his dramatic exits - burying home plate, removing bases from the field, throwing his hat into the outfield (only to have it returned to him by a ball boy so that he can turn around and throw it into the outfield again).  Childish?  You bet, but baseball’s a kids’ game anyway.  Why not act like a big baby.  Besides, it’s entertaining as hell.

Bobby Cox is not, however, known for his dramatic exits.  He tends to yell at the ump at close range for awhile and then stalk off the diamond in a lather.  So, the folks at Deadspin have offered up some suggestions for ejection #132 to Bobby:

• Eschew the argument all together and take the field wearing a hat that reads, “UMP, YOU’RE A COCKSUCKER.”

• In a game where the Braves are having trouble hitting the opposing pitcher, handcuff yourself to said pitcher and swallow the key before proceeding with a tirade that ensures your ejection.

• Get a plastic blow-up doll, write “MRS. JOHN HIRSCHBECK” across her back with a black Sharpie, drag it out to the pitchers mound, and penetrate it with a Louisville Slugger.

• Hope that Barry Bonds eclipses Hank Aaron’s record in the Giants’ July 23-26th series against Atlanta, tackle Barry as he rounds third on the historic home run, and repeatedly punch him in the face and scream, “THIS IS FOR HANK!”

The last one is particularly brilliant.  I say go for it Bobby.

Technorati Tags: Bobby Cox, Atlanta Braves, MLB, John McGraw, Lou Pinella, JOHN HIRSCHBECK, Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron

And no, I’m not talking about mannequins. Those really are quite scary (but that’s a subject for another post maybe some other day).

What I’m talking about are the run-of-the-mill nitwits Bruce Schneier talks about in his latest blog post on the subject of security. Schneier’s blog looks into the recent JFK airport plot and why NYC Mayor Bloomberg seems to be the only public figure to have said anything sensible about this laughable plot that the media have puffed up into some kind of uber-threat.

Here’s a quote:

The alleged plan, to blow up JFK’s fuel tanks and a small segment of the 40-mile petroleum pipeline that supplies the airport, was ridiculous. The fuel tanks are thick-walled, making them hard to damage. The airport tanks are separated from the pipelines by cutoff valves, so even if a fire broke out at the tanks, it would not back up into the pipelines. And the pipeline couldn’t blow up in any case, since there’s no oxygen to aid combustion. Not that the terrorists ever got to the stage — or demonstrated that they could get there — where they actually obtained explosives. Or even a current map of the airport’s infrastructure.

I’ve written about this subject before and linked to previous Schneier articles on the subject. I agree with Schneier’s characterization of most so-called homeland security precautions as movie-plot security. We’re not protecting ourselves from intelligent and dangerous folks, we’re protecting ourselves from people whose imaginations are as limited as the plot to your typical Bruce Willis film. If Jerry Bruckheimer decides to become an Islamist funadmentalist then the TSA and the rest of the Dept. of Homeland Security might actually protect us from him, but they’re not going to do much good against the kind of folks who pulled off the 9/11/01 attack, the Madrid train bombing or cooked up the London bomb plot.

Thanks to Boing Boing for the link.

Technorati Tags: Bruce Schneier, JFK airport plot, Jerry Bruckheimer

I love the phrase “hoisted on his own petard.”  Most folks have no clue what a petard is (for the record, it’s a special type of mortar that was used to demolish fortifications), but they know that to be hoisted on one means you got done in by your own machinations.

Dubya and his pet Dick (Cheney) got hoisted last week apparently when a Federal judge ruled that the FCC’s fines for indecency levied against the FOX Network were “arbitrary and capricious.”  Turns out the judge based part of his ruling on the documented speech of our President and VP.

See, the law of the land with regard to obscenity in broadcasting relies on prevailing community standards to determine what is and is not decent for broadcast.  When the sitting Vice President is on the record for shouting, “Go fuck yourself” at Senator Patrick Leahy on the floor of the Senate and the President is on the recording telling the Prime Minister of the UK that Syria needs to “get Hizballah to stop doing this shit,” well, then it’s obvious that the standards of community include such verbiage.

I’m not a big fan of cursing.  Not because I’m offended by it, but simply because it shows a lack of creativity. If Dick Cheney were the learned statesman the Vice President of the United States of America should be he’d have been able to come up with a much more creative and interesting epithet to hurl at Senator Leahy.  Perhaps he could have suggested that the Senator stuff himself into a small box to be mailed to Mongolia.  Even better, simply take the high road and not respond at all to whatever it was that angered him.  Honestly, that’s the classiest response of all.  But I doubt anyone has ever accused Dick Cheney of having class.

This is a big “HA HA” moment as far as I’m concerned.  The Bush Administration, via the FCC has been downright harassing broadcasters all over the country with threats of fines for broadcasting indecent content.  Turns out the community standards set by the President and VP allow for plenty of cursing on TV and radio.

Technorati Tags: Dubya, Cheney, FCC, FOX Network, Senator Patrick Leahy