Finally…

So, Bernie Ebbers is going to Federal Pounding-In-The-Ass Prison for 25 years. Well, at least one of those bastards is going to rot.

Still, I tend to agree with Lewis Black about these out-of-control CEO’s and the financial cataclysms they caused – prison isn’t enough. Send them to the nuthouse. Instead of spending 25 years in prison they ought to spend 25 years sitting next to someone who is crocheting something that isn’t there.

All of these jackasses from Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, Global Crossing, etc. have done tremendous damage on a level that we probably won’t even be able to really appreciate for decades to come. They did it all because of simple, relentless, unfathomable greed.

What we really need is a whole new justice system designed to deal out appropriately creative punishments specifically for these kinds of jerkholes. Many years in a prison cell is pretty dismal, but it’s still just too abstract. People don’t really appreciate how horrible going to prison is until they actually get there. And many times with white collar crime the perps, when they do get to prison, aren’t actually treated all that badly. Sure, they’ve lost their freedom, but look at folks like Michael Milken. Does he look humbled by his time in the pokey?

No, we need to have truly creative punishment for white collar crime. We need punishment for these guys that will leave any CEO, CFO or other executive contemplating a big rip off think twice about it. I suggest that for every dollar one of these jerks defrauds someone of they get smacked in the nuts with a baseball bat by an animatronic replica of Mark MacGuire. Not all at once mind you. No. One shot to the family jewels an hour for every dollar of fraud and graft committed. That way they’ve got time to recover from each thwack to the frank and beans just enough for the next shot to the groin to really hurt.

Or how about this – Anyone convicted of securities fraud gets strapped to one of those fetish bondage spreader horses naked, their rectum is coated in corn syrup and millions of angry and hungry fire ants are released into the room with them. It could take hours for the ants to find that syrupy sphincter, but ooh boy, when they did… Well, the screams would be epic.

Or maybe this – The guilty perp is strapped down to a gurney and has his genitals painted with poison oak oil twice a day for a month. Talk about itching.

Anyway, my point is that these jerks really are the worst criminals our society produces. If some poor guy from the inner city robs you, mugs you or even prangs you over the head with a lead pipe just for the hell of it you at least know that he’s reacting to living in a lousy situation. He’s uneducated, has little prospects for his future and has to live in a filthy tenement in some rotten part of the city where no one goes by choice. What’s behind the kind of crimes Ebbers and his ilk commit? Why do they choose to do things that are destructive to society? Because they’re rich, live comfortably in massive homes, drive cars that cost more than most people make in three years of hard work and can basically do whatever they want?

And while the mugger or thug on the street corner does damage, ultimately the damage he does is localized. Ebbers, the crooks at Enron, Tyco, etc. have done massive damage to the US economy. They trashed the retirement savings of millions of people. They deprived their employees of the means to earn a livelihood. They’re financial terrorists.

Here’s an idea. Instead of sending Ebbers to Federal Prison in Mississippi let’s send him to Gitmo.

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