I wish…

This I got this from a friend in Seattle. (And if anyone knows who wrote it, let me know so I can give them proper credit.) It sort of reminded me of the first draft that a few of us wrote for my friend Tom’s valedictorian speech for our high school graduation. That first draft was brilliant. Tom would have made history if he’d gone with it. Instead he played nice.

I really wish John Kerry had given this concession speech instead of the one he did give:

John Kerry’s Concession Speech, found in a trash can.

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession.

I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him.

I never saw that coming. That’s really special. And I mean special in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons.

That’s kind of special.

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That’s pretty powerful stuff, and I didn’t see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President’s strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio… well, that was just genius.


It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited moral values as their biggest issue. Those people changed history, the folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy.

Who’d have thought the election would belong to them?

Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.

I concede that I put too much faith in America’s youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, and with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of. With your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples’ tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000.

There are some that may say that I sound bitter, and that now is the time for healing, and to bring the nation together.

We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about ’em.

We in the blue states are the only ones who’ve been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name.

Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling “Oh, yeah? Bring it on!”

More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11.

I’m impressed by that, truly I am.

Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it’s not true, the people in the urban centers where al-Qaeda wants to attack know it’s not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can.

As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that. Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us… we wanted some healing.

We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn’t need its allies, doesn’t need to share the burden, doesn’t need to unite the world, and doesn’t need to provide for its future. Hell no.

Not when it’s got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, non-confrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have.

Because we’re “morally inferior,” I suppose.

We are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we’ve done just that. It’s not a “ha-ha” funny joke, I realize, but it’s a joke all the same.
And I make this pledge to you today:

In the next election, there will be no pandering. Next time we will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don’t.

I’m talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest thumping, perennially duped grade school grads.

Thank you, and may God bless each and every one of you as you deserve.

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